Join for FREE | Take the Tour Lost Password?
[x]

deviantART

 

Prize: Building Utopia by ~marianb:iconmarianb:





Building Utopia

Lonely city, lost, alone
Kingdom of decrepit lives
crumbled buildings, raining down
upon these barren streets of lies

Nothing dwells within the dank
the decay of memories frayed
black and sodden, brown and crude
where tainted dreams are made

See the tower, white and cold
above the ruined land of past
see the people bound within
chained and tethered, safe at last

Storms corrupted bleak with death
brings corroding breath ‘er long
but the seeping poison fails
against the fortress bold and strong

Hear the silence echo still
the muted voices deep inside
striving onto bigger, better
eloquent systems of demise

within the miles of thickened walls
past a million safe guards dwells
The perfect cube of silver glass
a man-made heaven, man-made hell

Paradise existing as one wishes
trials and toils, left to be
no pain, no hurt, within Utopia
never wanting to be free 
 
Built into a world made over
locked together the voices grow
To think its life, to think its living
but to never dream, they’ll never know
©2004-2009 ~marianb
:iconmarianb:

Author's Comments

A prize to for getting my almost 1000th page view! Yay!

anyhow, I created a quick preview picture for this one:

Stock:
Factoy: by
City:
Girl:

Thank you :)

Quick Update:

I changed "dead waste" in the second stanza to "decay"... I dunno because i felt like it.
Also added spaces between stanzas because it makes it a bit easier to read.
thanks again.

Comments


love 0 0 joy 0 0 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:iconglorgindel:
wow...very good...as ever :nod:
your works just get better and better :)

--
:blackrose:

“Oh, yes, that’s SEXY.”
“I beg your pardon?”


:blackrose:
:iconyukin:
I like this poem, but it would be better to separate into stanzas (think this is old opinion). The ideas are consistent throughout, but I think more punctuation is needed, but not explicitly necessary.
:iconmarianb:
Aw, thanks :hug:

--
~*~Marianb~*~
:iconmarianb:
Separating into stanzas is a good idea. It seems to make it a bit easier to read. :)
As for punctuation, unless I have dialouge I'm not too big into putting it in most of my poetry because most parts are sentance fragments for one, and I'm lazy for another. :) But on the other hand, it does make it look more "reformed" some times to add punctuation. Who knows, one day I might magicly overcome my laziness and start using correct grammer, though it seems unlikely at this point in time.
Thanks for the comment and suggestions.

--
~*~Marianb~*~
:icondeaconnoble:
This is a wonderful gift. Thank you. I like everything about this poem. Topic, word choice, phrasing....it's all great.

--
In truth there is no such thing in man's nature as a settled and full resolve either for good or evil, except at the very moment of execution.
- Nathaniel Hawthorne, Twice-Told Tales "Fancy's Show Box"
:iconmarianb:
I'm glad you enjoyed it almost-1000th-page-viewer :)

--
~*~Marianb~*~
:iconxenrianume:
wow wow wow......this is one of your best poems yet!! seriously, its amazingly good- i love it!! :+favlove:

--
member of: ~burn-p0etry *europeans *PoetryPlease *toronto ~ApocalypticSanctuary
:iconfoureyes:
I love your words !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:love:



:hug:
bernie

--
bernie :D
:iconmarianb:
Thanks!! I love your photos! :)

--
~*~Marianb~*~

Details

August 31, 2004
1.3 KB
101 KB
1260×681

Statistics

18
4 [who?]
78 (0 today)
6 (0 today)

Share

Link
Thumb

Site Map